It’s the last day of my 5-day leave from Residency and I decided to wake up early at 430am and do my usual daily routine to somehow “acclimatise” myself for work that comes the next day.


It was a dark gloomy morning at my condo in Shaw Boulevard. As soon as I stood up, I did my usual routine -two glasses of water, Morning Prayer, and the proverbial 20 push-ups. Then a pile of books on the coffee table started to catch my attention –they were Adams and Victor’s, Snell, Carpenter, Anschel, White, Goldberg, and Greenberg. I startled for a while. Thoughts rushed in. And suddenly I felt weak, knelt down, and tears started falling from my eyes –at first drop by drop… and then they just dripped and gushed out like that of a dam full of water that finally broke.



The Books.



“Why Lord?” I asked. “What is the meaning of this? What is the meaning of life?”


I couldn’t control my emotions at that time, so I did what every sporty, poignant man would do – donned my running shoes and ran my heart out around Ortigas. After a good 5 kilometers, I started to reflect on what happened earlier. Why the sudden gush of emotions?


Well, maybe because those books symbolized dreams. Dreams that for some reasons drifted away from me… or was it me who allowed them to get away from my grasp?


Dreams are probably something that connects all of us, because we all had it since we were kids, and we definitely still have it now –some with the same childhood dreams, while some may have shifted and changed into adult dreams; some still striving hard to achieve their dreams, while some already living their dreams.


This morning’s bewilderment led me to remember a homily of a good friend, Fr. Xavier Olin, SJ, that he shared at Carmelite Monastery during one of his visits in Bacolod (the City where I grew up and where I’m currently based).

He said,

It is important to know and define your dreams… for they will guide you in finding your life’s purpose… But it is more important to know God’s dreams for you… for they are the answers to your heart’s desires.


As we try to realize our dreams, may we never forget that no matter how big our dreams are for ourselves, the biggest, grandest, and most important dreams would still be the dreams of God for us.


Our biggest challenge is how to figure them out. Some find it in an instant. While some, would have to go through a long series of ups and downs. Some would even lose their way in searching for it.


Let us not give up in finding out God’s dreams for us. Because even God himself will never give up on us. It is just there. We just have to find it. We just have to listen to our heart’s desire. We just have to listen to Him.


So let me ask you, what are your dreams? Do you think they are God’s dreams for you as well?

It’s better to die WANDERING, than die wondering.

“Where do you go when you don’t know where you’re going?” is a common question people ask themselves at the end of something, and at the beginning of another thing. Most people feel this at least twice in their lives –graduation from high school, when we decide what course to take in college, and during graduation from college, when we decide which career path to take.

Two major events involving two major decisions are what it takes for most people to live the life they want to live. Most are happy, some are not. Some, on the other hand, require more than two… like doctors in general, and doctors in training in particular.

For physicians, on top of those two graduations most people have to make, we further decide: first, on which hospital to do post-graduate internship; second and third, on what specialty to train on and which hospital; and fourth and fifth, on what subspecialty to train on and which hospital, not to mention the decisions that come AFTER training –which place to practice? Which hospital to affiliate with? And the list goes on.

But what do you do when you still can’t decide which specialty to take? Which hospital to train?

Or the more difficult question is when you’re already in a training program and you suddenly feel you are NOT in the right program, but when you ask yourself what you’ll do when you quit, you wouldn’t have an answer also. I know right –life is difficult.

Well I guess we just all need to spend time to think what we really want in life. And this time is limitless –for some, it maybe a weekend, for some it can take months or years, while for others, it can last a lifetime. We have to remember that knowing what we want is not a race to win where we should be first, but a destination to arrive to. And every destination is best achieved when the journey itself is well enjoyed.

So don’t be afraid to wander, and wander more… because not all who wander are lost, but are just still looking.


So where do you go when you don’t know where you’re going? You go deep within. Within your self. Within your mind. Within your heart. Within you.

What is it that YOU are looking for? What is it that makes YOU jump out of the bed every morning? What is it that makes YOUR life worth living?

See the emphasis in YOU. Because only YOU can tell what you want. Only YOU can feel your passions. Not your friends, not your teachers, not even your family.

Remember, if it feels so heavy to wake up and face work in the morning during most mornings of the week for consecutive weeks, then maybe you ought to rethink and reconsider where you are now and what you would want to do about it.

Remember life is too short to be wasted. It’s better to die wandering, than die wondering.

Harrison’s Principles of Internal Medicine 19th Edition PDF


Hi there!

Below is the link to a pdf copy of the new Harrison’s Principles of Internal Medicine 19th Edition book. I got this copy from a clinical clerk rotating in the hospital where I am currently doing my residency training in Internal Medicine (Dr. Pablo O. Torre Memorial Hospital).

I am sharing it with you, for the sake of the hundreds of patients we see in the hospitals everyday. May this book and God guide us always in all our decisions and actions in providing our patients the best medical care possible.

Enjoy, and God be with you always!

Harrison’s Principles of Internal Medicine 19th Edition PDF

The Freddiebellas

There are times when you just have to go out of your comfort zones and do something fun and unimaginable. My moment was in 2013, a couple of weeks before graduation from medical school, with Euriz (a soon to be psychiatrist) and Xtina (now a surgical resident).

As Dan Stevens said,

“The comfort zone is the great enemy to creativity; moving beyond it necessitates intuition, which in turn configures new perspectives and conquers fears.”


Liham Para sa Isang (Bagong) Residente

Dear “walang-kwentang, walang-alam na Resident” Self,


Kumusta na?
Pagod na pagod ka na?
Titigil ka na ba?

Mas madaling sumuko. Mas madaling talikuran ang mga pagsubok at mga bunganga ng mga taong palagi na lang galit sa iyo na parang wala ka nang nagawang tama (o mga taong akala nila ay palagi na lang sila ay tama).

Pero ang tanong…
Magiging masaya ka ba pag matanda ka na at naalala mo na minsan ikaw ay naging residente sa isa sa pinakamagaling na ospital sa bansa pero tumigil ka dahil napagod ka?

Pahinga ang sagot sa pagod, hindi pagtigil.

Sapagka’t saan man at ano man ang iyong propesyon, kung ginagawa mo ang lahat nang maayos at binibigay mo ang iyong “best” sa mga ginagawa mo, nakakapagod talaga.

Balang araw, matatandaan mo ang lahat ng iyong pinagdaanan -lahat ng pagod, luha, galit, at saya na iyong naranasan bilang isang residente, at iyong mare-realize na lahat ng ito ay kailangan mong maranasan bilang parte ng proseso sa paghubog sa iyo hindi lang para ikaw ay maging isang magaling na doktor, kundi para maging isang makabuluhang doktor na may malasakit at pagmamahal sa kapwa. 

Okay lang mapagod, sapagkat kung ang kapaguran na pinagdadaanan natin ay nakakapangiti at nakakabuhay sa ibang tao, mas pipiliin kong mapagod habang buhay.

Palagi mong tandaan, hindi ka nag-iisa. May seniors ka at consultants sa likod mo, at may Diyos sa itaas. Hinding hindi ka nila pababayaan.


Remember the prayer you once wrote…




Your Future “Consultant” Self